Trigger warning: Eating disorders
Former patisserie chef Alessandra Botham has found the perfect recipe for a brighter future after years of struggling with an eating disorder – by helping others in an NHS role.
Alessandra, who won prizes for her lavish bakery creations while trying to cope alone with undiagnosed anorexia, is now using her lived experience to support people in her role as a Trust peer practitioner.
“Food was really my life as a pastry chef; until it wasn’t,” she said. “I was baking cakes that I would never eat. It got to the point that I just wanted to run away from food.
“Anorexia is like that. It makes you feel as if you are in control, but you aren’t. I still have it, but I’m in recovery, and it screams loudest when it’s dying. I’m taking that control back.
“That’s why it is so important to raise awareness. Any one of any age can develop an eating disorder. Asking for help is not a weakness, it’s one of the bravest things you will ever do.”
First problems as a teen
Alessandra first developed an eating disorder at 17, after being fitted with braces. She was told to eat healthily to avoid brace damage – which “put the pressure on” to change her diet.
At the same time, she entered her second year of college – and her new timetable took her away from her friends. She immediately missed the hustle and bustle of a busy social life.
“A lot of people told me I’d lose weight after getting braces but, when that didn’t happen, I decided to make sure it did. That was the first time I started restricting what I ate,” she said.
“I didn’t need to lose weight; I was a healthy weight. Over time, though, the smaller I got, and the less I ate, the better I felt in my head. That was the anorexia taking me to the dark side.
“I felt isolated from my old friends because of my timetable, but anorexia felt like gaining a new friend. It gave me control, or so I thought, over my life – but really it just took over.”
Tried to help herself
Alessandra, from Yarm, finally recognised things “weren’t quite right” on a college trip to Rome – where she fell asleep during an audience with the Pope, due to her lack of nutrition.
However, she was anxious about seeing a GP as she “didn’t want to be stigmatised” by what she ate. Instead, she tried to solve the issue herself – with unhealthy coping mechanisms.
“Something flipped in my brain at 17 and I’ve had an awful relationship with food and exercise ever since,” she said. “Restricting my eating was definitely not the way to recovery.
“I didn’t think I could have anorexia because I did eat – just not enough. The disorder went undiagnosed for years, until I was 25, when I finally opened up about what was happening.”
On the recovery journey
Alessandra, now 30, was referred to TEWV’s eating disorders services and spent several months attending the specialist unit at Imperial Avenue in Stockton as an outpatient.
“I was told that there was clear evidence of starvation in my blood but, because I’d always been relatively small, people never really thought there was anything wrong,” she said.
“I never thought I looked unhealthy, but that was the anorexia talking. I also didn’t “fit” the typical stereotype, or so I thought at the time, because anyone can have an eating order.”
Alessandra now works as a peer practitioner for our rehabilitation and recovery service in Stockton, using her lived experience of eating disorders to help others in the same situation.
Although she suffered a relapse last year, she has been back to Imperial Avenue and is now battling back to healthy living – although she acknowledges great challenges still lie ahead.
Facing up to challenges
“Recovery isn’t a straight line, it really isn’t. It is important to take every day as it comes because, as in any form of mental health, every day is different,” she said.
“It is about being honest with yourself and others, but also pre-empting possible issues and managing potential triggers. You can’t completely avoid problems; you have to face them.
“Every day and every week is different. You have to be a bit of a chameleon and adapt. I’ve done it once, and I’m determined to succeed again. Anorexia is NOT going to ruin my life.
“That is why I do the job I do. I want to help people help themselves. It is all about changing your mindset to change your life – not changing your body.”
Thoughts from Alessandra
Having an eating disorder is like seeing a chair that is in front of you that is painted red. You know it’s painted red – but all the people that love you insist that it is painted green.
Your life depends on realising the chair is painted green, but you never really see it.
Eventually, you may learn to trust your loved ones and believe them when they say the chair is green. But still, no matter how long you stare at it, the chair is clearly red.
So your survival depends on trusting their judgement above your own – and it is one of the hardest things anyone could try to do.
- Not everyone with an eating disorder is underweight, so it’s important to realise you can’t tell if someone has an eating disorder just by looking at them.
Support, help and further resources:
BEAT: The charity provides a wide range of information and guidance on eating disorders. It also holds specialist courses and operates a helpline for those in need: The UK’s Eating Disorder Charity – Beat (beateatingdisorders.org.uk)
EDNE: Eating Distress North East provides information on family support, counselling, health and wellbeing workshops, mindfulness courses and training and education: Eating Distress North East – Charitable Organisation (edne.org.uk)
GPs: Your own doctor can provide information on eating disorders and refer you to specialist services.
Recovery College Online: Information for service users, carers, staff and anyone with an interest in eating disorders. Eating Disorders – Recovery College Online.
