An unpaid North East carer who has succeeded against the odds is using her inspirational story to help others.
Jem, 31, developed PTSD from early childhood physical and emotional abuse and felt “like an outsider” for years due to undiagnosed autism.
But, despite her health struggles, she has dedicated her life to helping her family – caring for her mother, stepfather and stepbrother during sickness and tough times.
“I was a teenager when I first became a carer in 2009. It never switches off and there’s always something to do – like laundry or making hazards safe,” said Jem.
“In the beginning I never took time off, until I realised that just wasn’t healthy. You need to take time out for yourself, or you will crack. It will come back to bite you if you don’t.”
Difficult times
Jem and her mum moved to Teesside when Jem was 15 – after her mum met her stepfather on a dating site.
The fresh start brought fresh troubles for Jem, who was bullied at school for skin issues – while at home she took on more and more caring duties for her family.
“I had cystic acne back then and got terribly bullied for it. The medication I took eventually ruined my eyes, and now I’ll need to wear glasses for the rest of my life,” she said.
“I left school as soon as I could, straight after my GCSEs, and just stayed at home. All my family have had health problems over the years, and I helped out as much as I could.”
Jem’s mum struggles with spinal issues, following an accident in her 20s, while her stepbrother has learning disabilities – which means he needs constant monitoring.
Her stepfather had heart problems which led to him needing a triple by-pass, and he sadly died of cancer in 2020 – just as the Covid pandemic left everyone in isolation.
“I didn’t really have a life for years, I just helped to care for my family and played on my computer for hours at a time,” she said.
“I knew I had my own problems, but wasn’t ready to look for help or understand what I needed.”
Life changes and illness
Jem “lived on benefits for years” but, at 22, found the mental motivation to “really push herself” and secured her first job – as an apprentice in the civil service.
The long hours, difficult commute and target-driven work left her worn-down and defeated. One day she started crying and couldn’t stop, and eventually suffered a breakdown.
“I now realise that it wasn’t just the job that was making me struggle, it was the PTSD and my undiagnosed autism and dyspraxia. 22 years of masking had come to a head,” she said.
Jem finally sought medical help following her breakdown and was referred to our Trust’s Talking Therapies service. It was there that staff spotted she was showing signs of PTSD.
She was then referred to Merrick House, in Easington Colliery, for further mental health support – during which time her care co-ordinator suggested she might also have autism.
An official assessment later confirmed the diagnosis.
“After years of feeling I was different from other people, of feeling like an outsider, I was finally diagnosed with autism at the age of 29. It was a relief to finally know,” she said.
“The signs were always there – never leaving the house, and spending hours playing fantasy games on the computer – but no-one had ever suggested I might be autistic.”
Looking forward to the future
Jem has since undergone successful EMDR treatment (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) for her PTSD, which helps people process distressing memories.
The treatment has helped to reduce the charge around her trauma and, although the memories will never go away, Jem feels as if her life has turned full circle.
“Looking back, I know now that I’ve been through hell, but I feel so much better with a proper diagnosis and the EMDR treatment. It has helped to change my life,” she said.
Jem secured a job in a care home following her treatment in 2024 and, just last month, she started a new role in the catering industry – which she is enjoying.
She has also become an involvement member with our Trust, using her lived experience to help others in similar situations, and she continues to care for her family as well.
“I know just how hard it can be to care for people. It is worthwhile and rewarding, but you must make time for yourself as well,” she said.
“That could mean having a beauty therapy, going for a picnic, or just sitting on a bench in the sunshine. You need to breathe too – no-one will tell you to do that, but your body needs it.”
- Advice on accessing support for carers is available on our website . The carers hub web pages have been co-created for and by unpaid carers.
