Whilst I work within the Secure Inpatient Service at Ridgeway, I am also one of the founding members of the Perinatal Mental Health Partnership, a national partnership made up of individuals and charities campaigning for better mental health support in the Perinatal period.
People think having a baby is an incredibly happy time, and it is for many, but for some it isn’t always, and I was one of those. In 2006 I found out I was pregnant, at the time I already had a black cloud hanging over me from some bad news I had recently received, so immediately there were mixed emotions; excitement at being pregnant with my second child but also confusion because of my circumstances. I spent most of the 9 months feeling anxious about everything – my first born was premature and within the first couple of weeks of finding out about my second pregnancy I had been in hospital with an ectopic pregnancy scare, so naturally, I was feeling worried. But things started to change, my mood started to change. I wasn’t just anxious, I became depressed. I would attend every midwife check-up appointment with a new concern, feeling like I wasn’t being listened to, that people were trying to make decisions for me, that family weren’t thinking of me, just themselves. I would cry in every midwife appointment, to be handed a tissue and talked round. This went on throughout the 9 months. My support network wasn’t supportive and I felt alone.
Difficult times
Then came the day when I went into labour. I had my daughter just 40 minutes after arriving to hospital, to the surprise of the midwifery team who insisted I was nowhere near, so advising pain relief that had time to work, which didn’t as I had my daughter within 20 minutes of being given the strong pain relief, resulting in me not having full recall of the birth. But I was sent home just 5 hours after giving birth, still not fully recovered from the pain relief, with a tiny baby to look after and a not so supportive partner. The feelings of anxiety changed, I had new worries.
The morning after, my partner decided he wanted to show off our baby girl to his sister, so he told me to stay home and have a relaxing bath and he would take her to visit. I got my daughter all ready and begrudgingly waved them out of the front door and went to run this relaxing bath. It had not long finished and my partner was back through the front door, looking quite shaken and no colour in his face. He had crashed the car with my baby girl in the front seat. She was less than 24 hours old and I had already let harm come to her. I did check her over and ring the midwife, but there were no concerns as it was a minor bump in back to back traffic, so he had been going no more than 5mph. But this only added to my anxiety.
Over the coming days, my partner would be invited for coffee with his mum, always insisting on taking our daughter with him at the request of his mum. I was never invited. Instead I was told to stay home and get some rest, because that’s what new mums need. But I couldn’t rest, I kept having my baby taken away from me, when I refused to let her go I would get emotional, and then told I needed rest. We went round in circles, and I always lost.
Struggling to bond
My partner went back to work after one week, which made things slightly easier for me. I didn’t have anyone taking my baby without my permission, but I was also really struggling to bond. By week two, I was on my own throughout the day, my eldest being at school and my partner at work, it was just me and my baby girl. I had the visits from the midwife, and I would give the right answers at each visit. For every “how are you” I was asked, I would always respond “I’m fine, just tired” which became a natural response. I would have my make up on, hair brushed and always dressed when the midwife arrived, to hide how I was really feeling. Most days I would cry, but nobody knew. My mother-in-law would ring most days wanting to visit, or go for coffee. In the eyes of others she was a doting nana wanting to make a fuss of her new granddaughter, but I saw things differently, I felt differently. By this point I became convinced, as part of my illness, that she was trying to take my daughter away from me, that she wanted her for herself, to raise her as her own. My paranoia caused me to believe my partner was in on it too. I refused to answer the door when she came round, hiding so that if she looked through the window she wouldn’t see me. But then when she would ring, I would take up my hiding place, convinced she would see me through the phone if I didn’t hide. I was convinced she could see me through the phone, she could hear me even when I didn’t answer. I didn’t leave the house for fear of bumping into her. I had spiralled quickly, but with nobody to turn to. What If they didn’t believe me, or worse, what if they were in on it too. My delusions and paranoia made my days exhausting, I was tired, but couldn’t sleep. I had no trust in anyone around me. So I hid from the world, only answering the door to pre-arranged Health Visitor appointments, because I had to. I would plaster my face in make up with my perfected fake smile to greet her, she would do her checks and then go on to her next appointment, leaving me to continue on this spiral.
I eventually started venturing out, but only in the car and never to anywhere I thought his mum would be. But sometimes I would drive along a road and see a big tree and think to myself what would happen if I drove straight into that tree. I would have those passing thoughts, thinking that at least nobody would take my baby away from me, we would be together forever if I did that. They were always just passing thoughts, I never had any plans to carry it out. I admittedly struggled to bond, I didn’t want to interact with her, but I didn’t want anyone else to have her.
I don’t necessarily know when the turning point for this was, I just didn’t know who to talk to, I felt I couldn’t open up to family, after all I had been convinced my mother-in-law was trying to snatch my daughter, they wouldn’t understand. So I told nobody. I had no interest in anything, I wouldn’t respond to text messages or calls, if on the off chance I did make plans, I would cancel them when it came to the day. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. But I started to hate the silence, it gave me time to think and I didn’t always like thinking at this point. So I started to put the radio on for background noise.
One day, a song caught my attention on the radio. I had always loved music, it was always my go to if I was having an off day. But as with everything, I had lost interest over the months. This song caught my attention, it was being played on the radio constantly, and it wasn’t long before I found myself not only singing along to it, but dancing along to it with my daughter in my arms. It was catchy, I liked the band and soon bought their album, listening to it almost on a daily basis. It helped me so much, it brought back a piece of me that had been missing. It was “Isn’t she lovely” by Scouting for Girls, a band that I still listen to this day. Their music helped me. Over time, things began to improve, I started to become the person I remembered. It was a slow journey, but one that I am extremely lucky to have found the strength to get through.
Perinatal mental illness does not make you a bad mum
Over the years I formed a strong bond with my daughter and even went on to have a third baby with no problems, other than guilt for not having those happy moments the previous time. Perinatal mental illness can be overcome, it doesn’t define you as a person, or as a mother, and it most certainly does not make you a bad mum,
This was my story, but so many others have different stories, no two experiences are the same. I look back on this time and just wished someone would have asked me about my mental health, I had so many warning signs but nobody mentioned the possibility of postnatal depression, or worse. If I was to give new mothers, or fathers too, one piece of advice, it would be to speak to someone – your Midwife, your Health Visitor or even your GP. If you feel like something has changed within you, if you have any concerns, please speak to someone. Recovery is possible, and it can be quicker with the right support.
Looking back, earlier recognition and specialist perinatal mental health support could have made a significant difference
Suicide is still the leading cause of death for women in the first twelve months post birth, with 1 in 5 mothers experiencing a perinatal mental health problem and 70% hiding or underplaying maternal mental health difficulties. I was 1 in 5, I was one of the 70% but thankfully I am still here to talk about my experience and encourage open conversations. Maternal mental health is everyone’s business.
Using lived experience to help others
From my experience I went on to set up a Charitable organisation, to raise awareness of Perinatal Mental Health and becoming the first to provide peer support across the UK at a time when it was still unheard of. I ran this organisation for 8 years, before stepping away in 2022, In 2017, we launched the UK Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week, which we coordinate each year. The week itself has gained momentum over the years, being backed by large mental health organisations, NHS trusts and celebrities, with acknowledgements from Her Royal Highness the Princess of Wales and recognised globally as a partner for World Maternal Mental Health Day. The campaign runs annually in first week of May.
This year celebrates our tenth Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week, with the theme being ‘A Decade of Voices’. It has been an incredible journey for us to reach this milestone, we have had the privilege of being involved in a number of events, raising awareness, vital discussions around maternal mental health and celebrated since forming the partnership in 2014 and launching the first Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week. In the past 3 years, we have also welcomed two new high-profile celebrities as our ambassadors; Kimberley Nixon, Welsh actress known for her roles in Cranford/Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging/Fresh Meat, and Dr Emily MacDonagh, NHS doctor and TV personality who is also married to Australian singer, Peter Andre. Both have continued to use their platform to discuss maternal mental health in the public domain. But as the recent statistics show, there is still a long way to go to improve the outcomes of mental health for new mothers.
For more information about this years Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week, you can find the Perinatal Mental Health Partnership on Social Media platforms, and you can also take a look at our very own college within the trust, Recovery College Online for advice and support.
*statistics from Maternal Mental Health Alliance.
