
A Middlesbrough wife and carer is advising people to “live in the moment” and “find the daily positives” when looking after friends or family with dementia.
Pam Banks, a member of our Trust’s patients and carers participation group, also urges carers to “seek much-needed support to help you all live well with a life-changing diagnosis.”
She said: “Being a carer is hard. You need to learn to live in the moment with your loved one and remember a diagnosis of dementia is not the end of the world, even if it might feel like that.”
Pam, a retired registered childminder, tried to soldier on by herself when her husband Robert, now aged 79, was first diagnosed almost ten years ago.
However, the strain of 24-hour care left her suffering from stress and, when she eventually reached out for support, Pam found it a relief to talk to people who understood her situation.
“Admitting you need help is very hard to do, because you feel like you should be able to cope with whatever is thrown at you – but that’s just not the case,” she said.
“If carers don’t look after themselves, how can they care for others? Sleep deprivation has a lot to do with difficulty of caring. If you get a decent sleep, things always look and feel better.
Caring for the carers

Pam was just 16 when she met Robert, a former local government housing officer, while on holiday on the Isle of Wight. The couple married a few years later, in 1971.
Robert’s job meant that they regularly moved around the country until eventually settling in Scunthorpe for 30 years – where the couple raised a family of six children.
They then moved to Norfolk, to be closer to family, but as Robert looked forward to a happy retirement, so he started showing signs of dementia – including forgetfulness while driving.
“The last straw was when he didn’t see a pedestrian crossing and nearly knocked someone down. Robert was in denial at the time, but I just knew something was wrong,” said Pam.
“We did seek help, but the GP put his problems down to a thyroid issue, a lack of sleep – anything but dementia. We only got a diagnosis after moving to Middlesbrough in 2014.
“Robert finally admitted there was something wrong while watching a rugby match, a game he’s loved since childhood, and realised to his horror that he couldn’t remember the rules.”
Seeking support

His GP referred Robert to the memory clinic and a raft of tests finally brought the diagnosis of dementia – as well as medical treatment to try and slow the progression of the condition.
“Having a diagnosis was better than not having one, and not understanding what was going on. I wish it had come earlier because he could have been medicated sooner,” said Pam.
“At first Robert gave talks on getting his diagnosis, about how it wasn’t the end of the world, to give others hope. When his condition deteriorated, I took over to spread the word for him.”
Initially, Pam struggled to care alone for Robert – but he now benefits from day care twice a week in North Ormsby – which he greatly enjoys, while giving Pam a little time to herself.
The couple also receive support from the dementia and wellbeing hub at Woodside in Middlesbrough – which has provided essential advice and guidance over the years.
Membership of a carers support group has proved a life-line for Pam as well – as it offers a place to share experiences, seek help and develop close friendships.
Wife first, carer second

“Robert lives in the moment – he has no short or long-term memory – but he really comes alive during activities at his day care and the hub. It’s certainly enriched his life,” said Pam.
“If he’s happy, I’m happy. In some ways I love him more than ever. I don’t feel cheated by him having dementia, we just make the best of it and live each day the best we can.
“People might refer to me as a carer, but I’m a wife first. No-one should take that away from you. Robert may have forgotten many things, but he always remembers me.”

Advice from Pam to other carers:
- Take each day at a time
- Live in the moment
- Find the support you need not only for your loved one, but to help you do the caring.
- Training to help you understand the illness is a must. All jobs need training
- A sense of humour helps
- You will need buckets full of patience
- Take joy in the little moments
- Make happy memories to help you cope in the future